Dear Reader,

 

Zak’s Safari takes an honest, open, and age-appropriate approach to talking about donor conception and family diversity. Using a book like this one is an excellent way to begin (or continue) conversations with children about their origins, or to educate child friends or relatives about your family. To help with your discussions I offer these 4 tips for talking to kids about donor conception.

 

1)  Keep it simple. 

 

Especially for young children, simple, honest and personal is best. Make the story one about love and connection. For example, you might say, “Mama and I wanted a child. It takes an egg from a woman and a sperm from a man to make a baby. Your Mama provided the egg and a man called a donor provided the sperm. You grew in Mama’s body and when you were born, I held you and changed your diapers. Your Mama and I are your parents, we love you, and we take care of you.” Remember, whatever complex emotions you may have about the conception journey, for your child the story of how they came to be is happy, magical, and full of love.

 

2)  Tell early. 

 

Telling early has many advantages. First, it gives the parent(s) the opportunity to get comfortable with the topic and try out different ways of telling the family story. Some parents practice by telling the story to their infant, to each other, to a partner, or to a friend. Second, sharing early normalizes the topic, so children who learn early know they can go to their parents when they have questions. Lastly, early disclosure ensures that children learn this important information from their parents—and not from others who may have less positive or less informed views on donor conception.

 

3)  Tell often. 

 

Thinking of disclosure as a process, rather than a one-time event, frees parents from having to explain every aspect at once. Most children will have different questions and interests at different ages. As your child evolves their understanding, you can evolve your explanations by answering their questions as they come up. Finding ways to keep the dialogue going (such as creating a family book or having books like Zak’s Safari on the bookshelf) will remind your child that this is an acceptable topic to talk about.

 

4)  Differentiate between people who make you and people who take care of you. 

 

Children often want to know that they, like everyone else on the planet, came from two people and are often understandably curious about the donor. The fact that the donor is a person (not just some disembodied cells or genes) is important.  However, it is also important to clarify that the donor is not a parent. For example, you could say, “There are people who help make you (like Mama and the donor) and there are people who take care of you (like Mom and Mama).  Sometimes these people are the same (Mama) and sometimes they are different (Mom and the donor).  The people who take care of you (Mama and Mom) are your parents.”  

 

I have spoken to parents who feel that this places too much emphasis on the donor. They want to focus only on the people who are in the child’s life, not on someone the child doesn’t know. We have found in our research that the donor is often important to donor-conceived children. This doesn’t diminish their love for their parent(s). Curiosity about the donor is common and normal and is likely to vary from age to age and from child to child. 

 

Many parents are nervous about talking with children about conception. Talking with our kids about their origins is not that different from teaching them about other complex aspects of their lives. As donor-conceived families, this is part of the journey of parenthood for us, and part of growing up for our kids. 

 

You can do it!

 

 

 

 

Alice Ruby, MPH, Executive Director, The Sperm Bank of California, and Mama through donor conception